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Written by Margret Ward
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It can happen to anyone, latest reports suggest that includes men as
well as women. The following article has been inspired by a Hampshire
mum’s own experience and life changing story due to the illness.
Post-Natal Depression (PND), the big taboo of pregnancy, is the last thing any pregnant woman wants to contemplate happening to them. For most of us, the joy of wanting and conceiving a baby, especially for the first time, can render us both gloriously happy and terrified in equal measure.
Expectant parents may worry about the possibilities of medical problems for the growing baby, but few may even be aware of illnesses such as PND and the impact of it on both mothers and fathers.
Yet for one in ten women in the UK, Post-Natal Depression can manifest itself within days of giving birth and last for a few days or, in the worst cases, even months.
Many celebrity mothers have ‘confessed’ to having gone through differing levels of PND and have ‘gone public’ on the issue to raise awareness of its debilitating effects.
Following the launch of Baby Hampshire back in the Spring, we were contacted by Liz, who wrote to say that she felt our articles were too upbeat and not grounded in the reality that those one in ten mothers experience.
I went to meet Liz who shared her story of experiencing PND following the birth of each of her sons and the implications it had for her, her family and, ultimately, her marriage. However, you’d be wrong to think this is solely a ‘bad news’ story, I met an amazingly strong, talented and articulate woman who has faced her trials with astonishing resilience.
Liz has always known that she wanted children – lots of them - and she didn’t want to have them late in life. Marrying Richard in 1999 when she was in her mid twenties was, for her, the perfect ‘dream-come true’.
One thing you should know about Liz is that she is no delicate wallflower. She is vibrant, gutsy and independent. One of the things Richard fell in love with was her joie de vivre. She is not someone you would label as a candidate for illness of any kind.
Liz and Richard’s first son was born a year after their marriage – and immediately things got off to a bad start. She felt huge pressures of being a first-time mum with all the ‘helpful advice’ from well meaning people around her.
Liz’s pet hate piece of advice was a line i’m sure most new mums have heard, ‘Don’t worry about the housework, it can wait’. Liz did worry about the housework; it made her happy when her home was tidy, it was important to her, and anyway what was it going to wait for - it was only going to wait for her!
Liz had the ideal lifestyle; she was living with her husband on their farm in a thatched cottage in an isolated part of rural Hampshire, with family and friends around them. However, once the baby arrived, Liz quickly realised how unsuitable the house was for bringing up a child – from the lack of space and no central heating, to irritating things like too few plug sockets to allow for helpful gadgets such as a baby monitor.
It didn’t help that Richard’s job took him out of the house for long hours, seven days a week, so he was rarely around to help.
Liz felt her personality changing from a happy, competent and highly efficient person (she filled the freezer with meals towards the end of her pregnancy) to someone who missed her independence and started to snap with temper all the time.
Then, of course, there were the offers of help from family and friends that never manifested into anything that helped Liz when she needed it most. Liz didn’t want people to ask if she needed help – her pride made her say ‘no’, she could cope. What she needed was someone to pull up their sleeves and get stuck in to the washing up or tidy the house, without being asked.
One of the most significant descriptions Liz gave about her situation was that when pregnant and just afterwards, in the first week or so after giving birth, people talked to her as if she was vulnerable, someone to be helped and pandered to. There then came a point at which she was suddenly expected to turn into Supermum overnight, without the care and support of others and, far from pandering, was now subject to the judgmental ‘tuts’ from disapproving shoppers, neighbours or relatives if she didn’t quite reach the expected standards.
Eventually, Liz’s Mum was the one that plucked up the courage to tell her that she thought Liz had a problem; that her behaviour was becoming horrendous and she needed help. Liz admits that at this time she behaved appallingly to those she loved the most – her husband and parents - but while there were times she felt she simply couldn’t cope, she never once neglected her baby.
Liz took her Mum’s advice and underwent a series of one-to-one counselling sessions for PND. These sessions helped her enormously to the extent that she felt cured of her depression. Significantly though, Liz went to these sessions alone without her husband, who did not feel he could benefit from them. Richard saw the illness as something to be kept private as if he were ashamed of it.
Feeling ‘cured’, Liz felt certain that she would not experience PND ever again and so was delighted when she found that a second baby was on the way. Slowly and insidiously, the depression took hold again. This time the depression manifested itself in a completely different way. Instead of the bad temper, Liz was swamped with lethargy and tiredness. She simply had no energy to face the constant effort needed to look after two small children, keep the house tidy and so on. Liz couldn’t believe that the PND had taken hold again.
This time, Liz decided to attend a local PND support group. For many people with PND, these groups offer huge support to help them cope with the illness and eventually overcome their depression. For Liz, unfortunately, this was not the case.
One problem was the setting of personal goals, which Liz found put her under even more pressure. The ability to get through each day was a difficult enough achievement. She felt that for her, the therapy should have been turned around – not looking at what might be achieved, but at what had been achieved.
Eventually, Liz’s GP identified a medication that suited her and made her feel well again.
When her third child was on the way, Liz felt for the first time that she could look forward to the experience of having her baby. This time, she felt able to put aside everything that had worried her and put her under pressure during the two previous pregnancies.
Richard, unfortunately, felt otherwise and, being unable to face further mood swings and the nightmare of PND, decided the marriage was over and left Liz and their two children. ‘He came back one night from an evening at the pub with some friends and just said “i’m leaving you”, and off he went’, Liz explained.
Richard bottled up his feelings and although he tried, Liz doesn’t think he understood that her behaviour was due to the depression and Liz was suffering from an illness. He just thought she had changed into a person he no longer wanted to be with.
Liz believes that Richard had not confronted his own PND and the impact that having a family had on his relationship with Liz and each of his children. Recent research has shown that men really do suffer from the illness, and Liz absoloutley believes this to be true.
Liz has now had her third child and has moved to live nearer to her parents. Naturally, the break up of her marriage has been difficult and painful, but when I left her house on the day of the interview, I left a happy family in the care of a strong and loving mother. Liz is still battling with PND but with the help of her medication she feels there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Liz’s experience of PND is an extreme one, and it is rare for mothers to experience this level of PND, but the story above is real and we at Baby Hampshire think that this issue is too important to ignore.
I asked Liz for the key messages she would want to give to the readers of Baby Hampshire about PND:
PND manifested itself differently after each of her three births.
Where counselling is undertaken – encourage partners to take an active part. It will help for them to hear what the sufferer is going through and may help unlock their own concerns.
Rapport with your GP is very important – visit regularly when the illness takes hold.
Medication shouldn’t be refused on principle if it is the best solution.
Stigma – don’t be afraid to talk to close friends about what you’re going through.
Family and friends should try to get a balance between supporting the baby and supporting the mother – don’t ask if help is needed - just do it!
If you think you may be suffering from PND, you can seek help at:
The Association for Post Natal Illness (APNI) Tel: 020 7386 0868 www.apni.org
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