‘Please Don’t Go’ Separation Anxiety in Babies and Children
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Written by Dr Angharad Rudkin
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Sarah has a 3 year old daughter, Lauren. Leaving Lauren in the nursery
has always been a nightmare. Lauren screams and cries for hours. Sarah
usually ends up sneaking away. As she hears Lauren’s cries get louder,
she usually starts crying herself.
Lauren would much rather be at home with mummy than in the nursery. She feels uncomfortable when mummy leaves her there and so she clings on to mummy for as long as she can. Lauren doesn’t like the other grown ups who try to take her away from mummy. They don’t look after her the way mummy does.
Two sides of a very familiar story called ‘separation anxiety’, the feelings and behaviours babies and children have when they are being separated from their parents. Such a separation triggers an inherent self-protection strategy in the child – to hold on with dear life to the person who makes them feel comfortable and contained. Separation anxiety isn’t a one-sided affair. The way adults behave can turn a passing phase into an everyday habit. Dropping off times would be so much easier if we understood what separation anxiety was.
Who gets separation anxiety?
At times of change we feel better with the security of familiarity. At certain stages of development and during particular life changes, babies and children need familiarity more than usual. For example, before the age of six months, babies are usually content being with any adult who comforts them. But, they then learn that things continue to exist even when they’re out of their sight. Imagine realising that someone exists even when they’re not in view. What’s the first thing you’d do? Work out a way of getting them back into your sight again. By making very loud noises, babies can bring their mummy or daddy back again and feel content and safe once more. This craving to be close to parents increases over the next 4-6 months as babies begin to appreciate the potential risks of being alone.
Separation anxiety can also emerge when a child starts nursery or school. Having got used to being at home with mummy or daddy, the challenge of being in a big, noisy, busy environment brings back all the worries about being apart. So children revert back to the crying and clinging in order to keep their safe haven ie, their parents, close to them.
When does separation anxiety become a problem?
Separation anxiety is a part of every child’s development. However, for some babies and children it can become a prominent part of their lives. This may be because of some trauma they have experienced, or because they have been living in an unsettled environment. For others, it may be because they and their parent have got into the habit of long, painful separations. The message parents are giving by clinging on, getting upset and returning as soon as the child cries loudly is “yes, there really is something to worry about”. As the child’s anxiety grows, so does the parent’s.
So what can I do about my child’s separation anxiety?
First and foremost, don’t worry. Separation anxiety is a very common phase which most children will grow out of. In the meantime you can follow this four step plan on how to happily PART:
1. Plan – any transition is made easier by being planned and predictable. Have a goodbye routine which you enact each day e.g. walk to the classroom, give a hug and two kisses, tell them that you will be back to get them when school finishes after which you will go and buy some food or go to the park, then get up and walk away. Practice being apart by having mini-separations, leaving then with your friend or partner as you nip to the shops for 20 minutes. You will all learn that you can survive a separation. The more you practice the less anxious you both will be.
2. Act - babies and children have finely tuned antennae which can quickly pick up on your emotions. Talk yourself into being calm by taking long slow breaths and repeating to yourself strength-giving phrases to help you to feel relaxed and in control. The more you convince yourself that you are calm, the more you will feel calm. Your child does not need to see how hard you are finding it. They know you love them.
3. Recite a script to yourself as you walk away from your crying child. You know your child needs to be separated from you so that they can learn to cope by themselves in this big world. You also know that your child has to have the opportunity to learn, to be with other children and be independent from you. If you feel guilty, recite why you are leaving your child – if it is motivated by things other than your child eg, to maintain a career, to have enough money for holidays, then think about how it directly benefits your child.
4. Treat yourself. Learning to love you child from a distance is one of the hardest things a parent can do. Be kind to yourself. Keep a diary to monitor how much change you are both making, and reward yourself and your child as you both learn how to separate happily.
Separation anxiety is a formal term for an everyday occurrence. Trust yourself and your child to get through these phases intact. It’s all part of the learning process of being a parent and a child.
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